Where's the motivation? I don't know.

These days, I'm struggling to stay motivated to get my work done. I've got a painting on the easel right now that needs to be done asap. But what am I doing? Writing about it. Which typically is the last step of my process before I get so fed up with myself for not painting, that I just finally get up and put the paint brush to the canvas.

Mr. T is waiting for me as we speak, but as I look at the work I've done so far, and realize that the amount of work still left to do (which isn't a lot by the way), is still not enough for me to loosen the ever so tight grip that my extremely comfortable chaise lounge chair has on me. ::Sigh::

Not to mention, I still have quite a few other freelance projects that need working on. I don't have the overwhelmed, all-I-can-do-is-sit-here-and-cry kind of feeling about it, however, I still know they need to be done, and I'm still... sitting... and writing about it.

Maybe it was the Puppy Pilots children's book project that sucked it all out of me. As much fun as that project was, I have never worked harder on a project in the small time frame I was given - all of 3 weeks to take 13 pages of illustrations, from concept stages to final full color plus the book cover, front and back. All while continuing my regular life consisting of a full time job, another project of painting a mural at a daycare, moving out of the apartment I was living in and dealing with the death of my very first pet ever, Missi, who I got when I was 7. Those 3 weeks were hell, and a very big THANK YOU to Todd who helped me through the very emotional, very stressed out roller coaster ride I was on.

The book however, should be a success - and I will be receiving my copy of the book shortly in the mail from Duke Morgan, who is the author, and a very talented voiceover and production extraordinaire from Las Vegas. I will update you when the book gets here!

Back to my the-filing-cabinet-fell-over-in-my-head unorganized spew of a blog post.

The sad reality is, that I'm kind of exhausted with freelance work. I can't remember the last time I did any artwork for me. For my portfolio. For Dutch's. People are buying my work, and I couldn't be happier. Except that the work is leaving the shop and nothing is coming back in to replace it. I love doing freelance work. I love painting specific things for people and seeing their faces light up when I hand them the completed piece of work - it makes me happy to be a part of something that is so special to them. Now, having said that, I haven't painted anything for me. I don't have any downtime to do such a thing. And what's worse - I haven't even had the desire to. Because as soon as I get the thought in my head that I want to paint something for me, then I remember that I have freelance work to do and people are waiting for it. Which in turn, extinguishes the desire to do anything for me.

I hope I'm not shooting myself in the foot by putting this in cyber ink, but after Christmas, I think I'm going to take some time off of freelance work. I need to focus on doing what I need to do to progress my career in art. I want to paint more for me; I want to paint because I genuinely want to, and not because I have to do it for someone else. I have a legitimate business now, R.Ewers Designs, LLC, that I need to do something with. Todd and I have all these ideas and things going on in our heads, and I don't have the time, nor the desire to pursue after working all day, and then doing freelance. It sucks, but I've really just become unmotivated.

Todd and I saw the Social Network last night and we both walked out of there with the wheels in our heads moving. I told Todd that within the year, I want to get my business started and make something out of myself before I turn 30. Now, 30 is still 5 years away, but we all know how much of a procrastinator I am and I have to give myself ample time! ;)

So what will my New Year's Resolution be for next year? Focus on myself and my artwork and to not feel pressured into saying 'yes' every time someone asks me to do a project for them. I've got to learn how to say 'no'.